Why would Pumpkin do such a horrible thing? That entangled scene with the minister and I was not to be seen by the Chairman’s enchanting eyes. Pumpkin was supposed to lure Nobu to the empty theater. The only thing I can remember that day was that bright sunlight shine upon our hopeless bodies and two dark figures standing in front of the doorway. My plan had now ruined my chance to be with the Chairman. Pumpkin was supposed to be on my side, we grew up suffering, together and yet she has the heart to betray me so? I dreamed and based my whole future on that one moment where I could get rid of Nobu by betraying his trust and respect and getting closer to the Chairman.
My Journal is the only place I can express all my feelings for the Chairman without risking my reputation with Mother. I wrote in my journal about the disgusting event with the minister and I, it was a mistake and I hope the Chairman can understand why I did it. I did it for him. I want to live the rest of my life with the Chairman and no one else; everything I have done was for the Chairman.
The other day I confronted Pumpkin and asked her why she had brought the Chairman, she became enraged almost like if she were a twig swinging on it’s last string waiting to snap off. She claims she did it because she wanted me to feel what she suffered growing up in the Okiya. With every enraged expression she threw at me I saw Hatsumomo. Pumpkin after all was Hatsumomo’s younger sister. I let her go, I did not want to waste my time and effort arguing with Pumpkin when I can go look for the Chairman.
I wonder what Nobu is up to, I was worried he would come through the front door of the Okiya and ask to be my danna. I do not wish to be with Nobu, yet I do not wish to be alone the rest of my life. Either way they both make me feel so alone, alone on a snowy night surrounded by white trees. Chairman is the only one who can make me feel whole.
I hope to one day run away from this world of lies that imprisons me and pursue my dream of being with the Chairman. I want to travel the world with him, find an oasis full of cherry blossom trees, weeping willows and teahouses where everyone goes for entertainment and for enjoyment. The Chairman is never going to be in my life, he seems to never notice me, I try my best to not seem to forward by asking him if he would like to some day go out to tea with some Geishas and I. He never responds.
Mother wants me to find a presentable and rich danna who will be able to pay off all my debts and support me. She wants me to take over the Okiya for her in the future and create armies of successful Geishas she has created in her past to match up with the ones in the future.
Nobu does not know who I am, the Chairman has seen the true me. He saw me when I was young and could see right through my translucent gray eyes. Nobu has only seen me in my disguise, he fell in love with the wrong me, the dishonest me. I want to be with the Chairman but I will have to sacrifice my friendship with Nobu. Nobu is my best friend, he was there for me, he is the only one who truly cares, Chairman’s love is just an illusion, and illusion that causes me to live a life of adversity.